The only value Ape Vs Monster has is that it’s a pretty good watch when you’re stinking drunk and got friends around. You’d have a good time ridiculing the horrendous dialogue, the numerous plot holes and the awful CGI. Beyond that, Ape Vs Monster is pretty boring. Its amusing faults make it worthy of a single alcohol-fuelled viewing but nothing more. Certainly not a second watch.

This Godzilla Vs Kong-cash in from the Asylum begins with a space capsule crash landing on Earth. The chimp inside grows to monstrous proportions and escapes. The alien liquid that caused the ape’s mutation infects a nearby Gila monster, which also grows to a ginormous size. 90 minutes later, they fight.

I’ve been aware of the Asylum since my teenage years, catching glimpses of their films on the sci-fi channel but never actually watching them all the way through. I knew of how they capitalized on recent blockbusters by making films that were similar enough to them to fool someone into buying them. I recall watching the trailer for Transmorphers on YouTube and seeing someone in the comments describe how their Christmas was ruined when they received a copy from their Grandmother, who obviously mistook it for Transformers.

I knew it was going to be bad. So why did I watch it?!

Well, after seeing the epic Godzilla Vs Kong, I was feeling a bit peckish for some more Kaiju action. I knew Ape Vs Monster was going to be nowhere near the quality of Godzilla Vs Kong but having seen clips from Asylum releases like Sharktopus and Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus, I thought that the CGI in those films were, while cheap, not unwatchable. In addition to the silly premises and inevitably silly scripts of those films, I was assuming that Ape Vs Monster would have some decent monster fights and be somewhat entertaining.

I usually break my reviews down into sections, dissecting key elements but in the instance of Ape Vs Monster there’s only one thing worth talking about and that its execution. The characters, the plot, all the substance means nothing. The appeal of these films is their style, their broken incompetent mise-en-scène. In that respect, Ape Vs Monster did not disappoint.

You can tell the film doesn’t have the budget its story demands. All the firearms look like toys. The CGI for both creatures consists of only a handful of animations, all are rigid and uncanny, especially the ones for the ape. At certain points the editing is so quick and disorientating it’s hard to see where the scene is set. All the exterior shots are clearly from a stock footage site as they’re used over and over again, There’s one shot of a military base that I’m pretty sure is shown over ten times.

Ape Vs Monster will make you cry “what?!” and “why did they do that?!” numerous times. As I stated at the beginning, with friends and alcohol it’s a treat. In any other scenario however, the fun ends after 30 minutes. At that point you’ve adapted to the film’s cheesy aesthetic and it can’t really surprise you again. If you troop through it just for the monsters you’ll certainly be disappointed. They’re barely in it and their single only fight occurs at the very end and lasts under five minutes.

If Ape Vs Monster is the standard for the Asylum then I’m definitely not interested in browsing their catalogue. An hour and a half aren’t worth wasting for five minutes of joyous bewilderment, not sober anyway.

If you enjoy the Asylum’s brand of schlock then check it out. If not, then unless you’re at a party, avoid Ape Vs Monster. I cannot encourage you to dismiss it enough.

I give Ape Vs Monster an awful 2 out of 10.