The headline of this post is appropriate in my view as this Friday The 13^th reboot from 2009 features all the 80s’ slasher archetypes but devoid of the self-awareness and satire that made Cabin in the Woods so great (which if you haven’t seen by the way, what are you doing?! Watch it now! It’s a modern classic!) While its interpretation of Jason Voorhees and homages to previous instalments is admirable, they’re totally overshadowed by the film’s poor attempts at engaging characters and a serious tone.

A bunch of college kids go to Crystal Lake and get butchered by Jason Voorhees. A few weeks later, another bunch of college kids go there and the same happens again but with more steps. That’s it.

What I Was Expecting

I actually had high hopes for this film. I thought that whoever Hollywood hired to write a Friday The 13^th reboot would be clever enough to know that the franchise’s mythos was mostly made up as it went along and that a straight-out remake would be a good opportunity to dramatize that mythos more believably. They’d also be clever enough to know that even then, in 2009, pre-Cabin in the Woods, the slasher genre had been polluted with cliches and that any new film in the genre needed a totally new approach to make it relevant and interesting. With these assumptions, I hoped that the film would bring at least a slightly different angle to the slasher film plot.

Going in I knew almost nothing. I’d seen posters and clips over the years but nothing cohesive. My friends told me to expect some god awfully annoying teenagers so I prepared myself for them. Other than that, zip. Just the assumption that it was written by someone as smart (or smarter hopefully) than myself.

What I Got

The writers are clearly familiar with the franchise as there’re little homages and call-backs scattered throughout, from settings to costumes to characters. They’re also familiar with the shallow, two-dimensional casts that led the films, particularly in the first four. However, they seem to be blissfully unaware of how dull and unempathetic those characters were, hence they made little effort in spicing up their own characters in the reboot. I’m serious when I say they’re like the cast of Cabin in the Woods; there’s the alpha male, the comic relief, the stoner, the ‘promiscuous’ lady, they’re all there minus any nuance or irony. If this film came out in the 80s’ these archetypes would be expected but in 2009 there’s no excuse in my book. Freddy Vs Jason at least gives you the fun of seeing these archetypes shoehorned in the early 2000s’ period. Unfortunately, this film does a pretty good job of seamlessly grounding them in 2009.

There’s one subplot that I thought had potential in that it concerns a young woman who is caught and held prisoner by Jason in his lair, resulting in a somewhat different conflict than depicted in the previous films. However, that’s just a subplot. The main plot is focused entirely on the college kids settling in to Crystal Lake and, one-by-one, getting minced by Jason, only this time they’ve got GPS and mobile phones.

The only other positive I found was the film’s approach to Jason Voorhees. Firstly, I thought showing him with the sack on his head first and then having him switch to the hockey mask was a good way of introducing new audiences to the Jason character as well as referencing Part 2. Secondly, this Jason appears to be a lot more like a forest hermit than any of his previous incarnations. Giving him a bigger lair and having him set traps all over the forest are good ideas.

Apart from that, the references and the one promising subplot, the 2009 reboot is the worst Friday The 13^th of them all. Its unimaginative characters and unimaginative plot leaves you with little to praise or remember. Part 8 at least showed Jason in Times Square.

I give Friday The 13^th a god awful 1 out of 10.

Well, that’s it. I can officially say that I’ve seen Friday The 13^th. All of it. As a horror fan I have absolutely no regrets about covering these films, even the really bad ones, because whether I like it or not Jason Voorhees and the Friday The 13^th brand have been major players in horror cinema and horror in general. Everyone, even people who’ve never seen a horror film let alone a Friday The 13^th, recognises Jason Voorhees. He’s an icon among the ranks of Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers.

So, how and why haven’t we seen him since? After watching all the films, I think I know. Jason is an icon of the genre, undoubtedly, however I think he’s quite far from the mythic ranks of Frankenstein and Dracula. Things have changed so much since the 80s’ and that’s when he really prospered as a character. Most of the films after Part 8 mock Jason as a concept, at how ridiculous a serial killer who punishes teenagers for enjoying sex and alcohol is. If there were to be another Friday The 13^th and it were to make serious money, I think it would have to have a completely new approach. Perhaps acknowledge or even explore the prejudice that the war babies who were producing horror films in the 80s’ had towards boomers, and how now, paradoxically, boomers are displaying a similar prejudice against millennials. Yes, ageism seems to be key theme in the Friday The 13^th franchise, one that would need serious updating if another film were produced.

I hope you all have a joyous and cosy Halloween this October 31^st and thank you for joining me in this journey through this very influential series of horror films.