I don’t know what’s worse. A space opera that doesn’t try to be funny or a space opera that does try to be funny and fails. I was torn by this dilemma after finishing Star Trek: Section 31. I was asking myself if I’d rather watch this or Rebel Moon again.

The truth is I’d rather watch neither. Both are difficult to watch in their own unique ways. In the case of Section 31; it’s a shameless Guardian of the Galaxy imitation shoehorned into the Star Trek universe, fitting as well as an elephant in a dog kennel.

Evading Starfleet in a different universe, Philippa Georgiou (Michell Yeoh) is found beyond federation space by the mysterious section 31. Agent Alok (Omari Hardwick) approaches Georgiou with an opportunity to redeem her past. She joins Alok and his team of ragtag agents to thwart a plot that threatens the existence of the prime universe.

Frankly, this is another one where I can’t be bothered to break it down. I just feel like dwelling on a few elements and then talking about the film as a whole.

I’ve only seen snippets of Star Trek‘s return to the small screen but if any of them are like Section 31, then I’m happy I didn’t commit to any of the shows.

The Kelvan films, despite being set in their own timeline, at least tried to address themes that were Treky in tone, whether it was terrorism (Into Darkness) or political unity (Beyond). Section 31 concerns ideas you’re more likely to encounter in a below-average fantasy novel, where pretentious terms such as ‘fate’ and ‘redemption’ are uttered constantly.

Making the most irredeemable villain from Discovery the protagonist of the film is an interesting choice. Having her arc be one of redemption is also an interesting choice. The sum of these choices however, is abominable.

Georgiou doesn’t seek redemption for the countless genocides she decreed but for the murder of a friend she committed shortly before her reign as emperor. This results in clichéd PTSD flashbacks and shallow sermons about confronting ‘the past.’  If it weren’t for her sarcastic comments, Georgiou would be a perfect lead for a Rebel Moon film. She demands interest and sympathy where there is none.

The team she joins consists of a bunch of DCEU rejects. There’s a cyborg with ‘mecha dysmorphia’ (how funny), a sassy shapeshifter, a seductive Deltan woman and a microscopic alien that operates a robot that looks like a Vulcan. I’ll say this; it’s nice to see another Deltan, one who’s a legit character, even briefly.

The ‘banter’ between these agents is unbearable. Even in a Kelvan film, these quirky little exchanges would inspire cringe. What’s worse is that they add nothing to the story and just seem to be there for laughs, which they provide none.

I think a story following a ragtag team could be done well in the Star Trek multiverse, that is the very premise of several episodes as I understand but for inspiration, Section 31 should’ve steered far off from Guardians of the Galaxy and any recent blockbusters. I’m not saying Section 31 should be devoid of spectacle or action but there has to be something so much more genuine behind it all than just an antihero trying to save the universe.

Section 31 is a trying watch for fans and non-fans alike of Trek. I’m grateful that this foray I took into new Trek was only a measly 95-minutes in length. Only if it got rave reviews would I commit to a season but if any other VOD Trek films come out in the not-too-distant-future then I’d certainly check them out. Needless to say, this is a terrible introduction.

I give Star Trek: Section 31 a shameful 4 out of 10.